


You're okay

by NovemberWings



Series: Everything's okay (Trans! John Deacon) [2]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: (nothing serious though!), 1970s, 1970s Era Queen (Band), 1970s Era Roger Taylor (Queen), Acceptance, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Can be read as slash, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Living Together, M/M, Period Typical Attitudes, Potential triggers to do with transgender issues, References to Drugs, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Swearing, Testosterone Injections, Threats, Trans Male Character, Trans! John Deacon, or friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 16:34:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20510108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NovemberWings/pseuds/NovemberWings
Summary: After Roger found out about John being trans everything had gone back to normal, mostly. The only difference was that Roger was always attentive to John, making him feel welcome and part of the band - alongside doing research into transgender people to help John as best he could.Everything was perfect until Freddie accidentally discovered John's gender in the worst possible way.(Sequel to 'Everything's okay' but this can be read as a stand alone!)





	You're okay

Nothing much had changed since Roger had found out about him being trans. He had covered for him with the others the entire day when he was ill, while also trying to spend as much time with him in Roger's room as possible. He still felt sick and ill for the remainder of his period, as per usual, but the other days weren't as bad and he had managed to labour out of bed and try and take part in normal day life as best as possible, with Freddie overly worrying about John's bad migraine and Brain telling him to go to the doctors if it got any worse.

While Roger still treated him the same and didn’t ask or do anything that made him uncomfortable John could still tell that something had slightly changed - but it was a kind of nice change.

It must have really hit home with Roger that John didn't feel he was truly part of the group and was seemingly trying to tell John how untrue that was. Every opportunity Roger had to touch him he did and he made a point of talking to John in group discussions. When he handed him his plate he would touch his fingers, if John was sitting on the sofa and Roger walked behind him he would pet his hair, when they were on the sofa together Roger would sit closer or pet his knee. He clasped his shoulders, poked his cheek and flicked his nose. Any and every opportunity or excuse Roger had he took and it made John feel great.

Roger knew that John had a habit of over analysing everything in everyday situations and had, probably correctly, predicted that after Roger had found out about his gender he would worry that Roger didn’t like him anymore and he was doing everything in his power, short of overtly verbally telling John that he was still his friend. John appreciated his effort more that words could possibly express because he knew that Roger accepted him. And there was another part of him that felt more part of the group than ever before and he was sure that Roger’s efforts had a significant part in his change of mind. Roger hadn’t even slipped on pronouns or asked John's birth name to his great surprise.

What surprised him more, however, was when Roger burst into his room. Before all of this had happened, Roger entering his room without warning would have really annoyed John and would have down right frightened him, worried that someone may have walked in on him while he getting dressed or something along those lines. But soon after he moved in he quickly learnt that the only person who knocked was Brian, so he had to dress as quickly as possible. But now, with Roger specifically, it only slightly irked him - now what was the worst thing that he could see? Still he reprimanded;

"Knock, Roger!" He tutted.

"Sorry, I’m just really excited!" He said shutting the door behind him, "Look!" He practically threw himself next to John on the bed before throwing 3 books onto the bed next to him, away from John, while keeping one in his hand. The one he kept in his hand was a normal paperback book, and while it didn’t look new it was clear it hadn’t been read much.

“So!" Roger exclaimed, excitement in all of features as he grabbed John's hand, "I went to the library and took out some books about gays, lesbians and transgenders right? Because I get being gay and lesbian and what not but I don’t really get the trans thing but because you are transgender I want to get it." John really couldn’t believe this . He hadn’t even expected Roger to accept him, much less do research and try and understand it. He shook his head in disbelief. 

"What?' Rogers voice sobered - the happiness dropping from his face, clearly thinking that john was shaking his head in disagreement with Roger's actions. "Have I done something wrong?" He frowned.

"No." John said shortly, wanting Roger to stop that train of thought immediately, "you’re perfect." He could feel tears welling in his eyes as he realised how he was not only lucky but blessed. "I didn't even expect you to accept me but this..." he gestured at all of the books and happy tear started travelling down his face. Roger squeezed his hand as the happiness found his face again.

"Hush, Deaky. No tears this is a happy occasion. Now listen." He squeezed John's hand again before he let go and opened the book on his lap to a folded over corner and started reading: "Transgender people, both male to female and female to male," he paused looking up at John, "that is you right?" John nodded;

"Female to male, yeah." Wondering where this was going. Roger looked excitedly back at the book and continued reading aloud;

"Often use hormonal injections to help with their transition. Male to female transgender people use oestrogen injections and female to male transgender people use testosterone injections." Roger looked up to John's face, who was smiling because of roger's excitement. "And then it goes on to list the benefits of each and listen to this for the testosterone. It says:  
Breasts can shrink  
Fat will diminish from hips and thighs  
Arms can develop more muscle definition  
Eyes and facial features will become more angular and masculine in appearance  
Hair on chest, back and arms will grow more and will be darker  
Voice will be deeper  
Some will even grow facial hair." Roger finished the list, after reading extremely quickly from excitement. He looked up at John's face who was smiling, but not nearly as much as Roger who looked ecstatic.

"Yeah." John emphatically responded, he didn’t really know what to reply but he had to say something because Roger was so excited.

"Don't you get it Deaky?! We'll get these for you and it'll help you feel better. You're so masculine already it'll take no time at all!" Roger's passion was adorable and made John's heart thump with appreciate and love for his friend. Especially at the best compliment John could ever receive that he looked masculine. He couldn't help it but his happiness bubbled over into a small giggle

"Why are you laughing?" Roger deflated again, looking really upset.

"Don't be upset, Rog. I'm not laughing at you. You're just so cute and you have such a good heart. Thank you for doing this, sweet beyond comprehension and I'm so glad that you want to understand me, but I’m already on the shots. I've been on the shots for 3 and a half years." He took Roger's hand in his, brought Roger's knuckles to his lips and gave them a gentle kiss. "You will never know how much this means to me." He let go of Roger's hand before he opened his arms dramatically. "Hug.' He demanded in a single word. Roger moved the book off his lap and onto the bed before shimmying in closer to John's side and gave him a hug. They hugged tightly for a while. Slowly Roger pulled away and gave him a sad yet serious look.

"John it says in one of these books that a lot of transgender people get depression and stuff and they hurt themselves... you don't... hurt yourself do you?" The look of Roger's face was a complete opposite to how he looked when he first barged into John's room, he looked scared and worried to the nth degree.

"No," John shook his head seriously, "I don't hurt myself, don't worry about that. I never have and I never will."

"Good.' Roger almost deflated with relief and he fell back into John, giving him a tighter and more desperate hug. "And you can talk to me about anything. Absolutely anything." John nodded

"I know." And he was telling the truth, he knew he could and he knew that he would. “And you can talk to me you know, Rog. You can ask me questions if you would like to.” Roger pulled back to look at his face.

“I don’t want to say the wrong thing and upset you. I understand all of… this a little more now I’ve read the books but I never want you to feel upset about this.” He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well, I’m not going to get angry with you. I mean you’ll never know the answer if you never ask and it would be quicker than reading a book – you should definitely keep reading if you want to though.” He didn’t want to discourage Roger from trying, “I mean more if you want to know something about me specifically. I won’t answer anything I’m not comfortable with, so if you’re okay with that then you can ask anything.” Roger shook his head as if horrified.

“Of course, Deaky. I would never expect you to talk about anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“I know you wouldn’t.” John gave a small laugh and a smile at Roger’s absolute horror at the idea of John being uncomfortable. He really was an amazing friend. “But I would appreciate if you didn’t ask my name.” John said a little timidly, knowing that was the first question most people would ask. Roger frowned at that.

“But I know your name?” He sounded genuinely confused. John felt his stomach drop into his feet.

“What?” He said sharply.

“What?” Roger repeated but more confused.

“How do you know my name?” He was starting to panic because if Roger knew his name then surely the others did as well, and there was evidence of his name somewhere, but Roger seemed to just frown harder.

“Because you told me when we met… I call you by your name all the time. What are you talking about?” Roger’s confusion was palpable and when the answer finally computed in John’s mind after an excruciating moment he understood. He felt as if he was sweating relief out of every pore. Roger didn’t understand that John was talking about his birth name.

“I was… talking about my birth name, Roger. The girl name that my mum gave me.” He explained. He watched as realisation found Roger’s face.

“Ohhhh.” He said and then paused for a moment before frowning again, “well, why would I want to know that? It’s not your name? I mean… you’re John?” John felt completely overwhelmed with happiness again and this time he knew there was no holding in his tears. Rapidly they starting tumbling down his cheeks and Roger looked horrified again.

“God, have I said something wrong?”

“No, absolutely nothing. You’re perfect, mate.” John practically fell on Roger and pulled him into a hug.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Roger had taken John to a café after that, telling him he needed to get out of the house, and they had just chatted about nonsense with Roger showing him some lyrics that he had written. John had started thinking of base lines after that and when they got home Roger said he was going to bed – evidently he had stayed up extremely late reading about transgender people for the past few nights.

John went back to his room. He thought it was funny how Roger had come to him today to tell him about the hormone injections as today was when he had to do his. He never liked doing his injection, needles made him dizzy and it was always a chore, but he knew that he had to take them and that they were good for him. 

He sighed in resignation and went to his wardrobe and pushed all his shirts and trousers to the left and reached into the back of the wardrobe on the floor in the furthest back right corner to pick up his medical box. He moved over to his bed and placed the box carefully down before sitting next to it and popping it open. He took everything out and laid it out in the right order. He stared at the needle and took a steadying breath before he stood up and started to work his jeans off. When his jeans were on the floor he pulled the back of his boxers down as little as he could to expose where he needed to inject. He took the antiseptic wipe and wiped it over his skin before he took the needle and drew the testosterone into the tube.

As he held the needle in his hand he did his calming techniques. 4 things he could see, 3 things he could hear, 2 things he could feel and 1 thing he could smell. His lamp, the sun coming through the blinds, the dead leaf that had fallen off the flowers that he had in his room, some dirt under his fingernails. He could hear the traffic going by outside, the birds outside, a record playing in the living room. His shirt sleeve brushing against his arm, the elastic of his boxers pressing into the underside of his thigh. Brian’s curry simmering on the stove.

He could feel the dizzy sensation slowing and as he let out a breath between pursed lips disappear completely.

“Okay.” He whispered under his breath to calm himself before he shook his right hand to take the final tremors away and passed the needle form his left hand to his right. He leant on his side a little and held the needle over his skin and was about to push the needle into his skin when the door slammed open, making him jerk harshly in surprise, but luckily he had enough sense about him to pull the needle away from his skin.

“Fucking hell, Roger you made me jump!” He turned to look annoyed at Roger but when he saw that it wasn’t Roger who had burst into his room but instead it was Freddie it made his heart stop. He felt everything inside of his body go cold. He stared at Freddie with wide eyes before he realised exactly what he looked like, Freddie had burst in on his about to inject himself. 

“John?” Freddie said uncertain, his eyes lingering on the needle. John quickly reached over and took the packet that the needle came in, putting it back in the packet and sealing it before he stood up and pulled his boxers up.

“Look, Freddie, it’s not what you think I swear it’s nothing bad.” He held up his hands in a placating gesture, but he could feel his panic rising. His chest was heaving and his eyes were starting to blur.

“What the fuck, John!” Freddie, shouted apparently having gotten past his initial shock – which had now morphed into anger and disappointment. “Why would you fucking use needles! You know what’s happening at the moment. How dare you?” Freddie’s eyes had morphed into angry slits.

“No no, it’s not like that, Fred. If you just listen-“

“Listen!” Freddie scoffed, “as if anything anyone on drugs says is going to be the truth.” Freddie stormed over to John’s bed and grabbed the syringe in the bag in a tight fist. John launched forward, trying to grab the syringe but Freddie pushed him back. Freddie hadn’t pushed him very hard, but with all the stress of the situation John fell to his knees in front of Freddie, holding his hands up to him as if Freddie was a some benevolent God… because after all Freddie was holding the most important thing in his hand, ready to throw it across the room. John’s falling to his knees grabbed Freddie’s attention enough to still his angry action.

“Please Freddie, please! Don’t break it, please let me explain!” His voice broke, making him cringe and he was aware of tears tumbling down his flushed face. His voice was wracked and he knew that he was shouted, borderline shouting. The anger on Freddie’s face didn’t budge but worry passed over his features.

“Are you really this addicted?” His voice sounded sad, but he still held the testosterone out of John’s reach. And that’s what Brian saw when he ran into the room – looking panicked as he should because John never shouted.

“What’s going on?” He was still holding the tea towel from the kitchen in his hand as he looked at the situation frantically trying to decipher what was going on.

“Johns on drugs.” Freddie snapped, not looking away from John on his knees for a second – but he held the syringe in the bag out of Brian, who took a few steps forward, glancing down at John quickly – who looked at him desperately – before dropping the tea towel on the floor and taking the syringe and turning it over in his hands. Brian looked absolutely crushed, as if he might cry. He didn’t look angry at all when he turned to John.

“Deaky when did you start?” He said lowering himself to his knees in front of John. John felt his mouth dry up how in the hell could he explain this? Now? He couldn’t tell them like this! He could feel a panic attack coming on – crushing his chest.

“Please, Brian. Brian listen, it’s not a drug!” He could feel desperation making him raise his voice, his chest raising and falling too quickly. “It’s not a drug I would never! Ever! It’s not, it’s not, it’s not!” His voice crescendoed in absolute panic, he splayed his hand over his fast beating heart, trying to hold his chest down. He had to put his other hand on the floor to support himself as a dizzy wave came over him. 

“What the fuck is going on? I’m try to sleep!” Roger appeared in the door way and for John it was as if an honest to God angel had just descended to save him. It obviously took Roger a second to compute the situation before he rushed over to John’s side, putting his hand on John’s back.

“Alright, you’re alright. C’mon breathe John.” John nodded, focusing on Roger’s hand on his back trying to take in slower breaths.

“He’s on drugs, darling!” Freddie didn’t shout but he definitely had a raised voice.

“What?” Roger’s tone gave away how ridiculous he thought the suggestion was, but John looked up in time to see Brian hold the syringe out of the Roger – who took it in his hand turning it over once and when John looked at his face he saw realisation wash over his features. Never before in his life had he been so relieved and thankful to his friend.

“Roger.” He said, pleading him to understand.

“I know.” He said to John, and relief crushed his heart in the exact same, but opposite way, his panic had done a few moments before.

“You knew!” Brian snapped at Roger, clearly misinterpreting the words, “and you didn’t tell us!” Brian’s voice was livid, but before Roger could answer Freddie jumped in;

“Addicts have no place in Queen.” Freddie said, folding his arms definitely. That was it. Those words were the final nail in John’s coffin and any progress John had made to stop his panic attack completely disappeared. All of his ideas about his place had been solidified – dispensable, replaceable… unwanted. He couldn’t support himself any longer and his body completely collapsed. The hand on the floor supporting him his arm buckled and his torso lay on his knees and his forehead on the floor. He let out a noise of anguish. Why had his god forsaken body taken everything from him in his life!

“Get out!” He heard Roger bark, standing up straight and moving in between John and Freddie. “Get the fuck out of this house before I kick the shit out of you.” Roger stood close to Freddie their faces almost touching. “I’ll fucking do it, Mercury. Don’t fuck with me now.” His voice became a guttural growl – obviously shocking Freddie into silence.

“Roger!” He heard Brian snap, but before he could continue Roger’s head snapped towards him.

“You too, Brian. Leave. Now.” There was a pause before Roger gritted out. “Now.” He pointed at the door and Brian stood up.

“Come on, Fred.” Brian grabbed Freddie’s arm and started dragging him towards the door. Roger watched them go and just after they disappeared around the corner he heard Freddie shout back to them;

“We’ll be back later!” His voice was angry but a few seconds later they heard the front door slam and while John felt relieved he was still panicking. 

“Okay, Deaks. We’re okay, you’re okay.” Roger said as he rushed to his side, sitting next to him pulling him up. “Alright I want you to do your listing thing you do to calm down. Tell me 4 things you can see.” John blinked his tears away, the water swimming in his vision making it hard for him to see much but he tried his best.

“Your hair.” He said, the golden hair standing out in his blurred vision, “erm… my, my bed.” He reached out and touched the duvet, “the sock on the floor… my antiseptic wipe.”

“Good.” Roger said and grabbed one of John’s hands, “three things you can hear.”

Roger helped him through his breathing and his list of things and when they reached the end of it he was no longer having a panic attack but tears were still falling down his face. Roger pulled the long sleeve of his sleeping shirt over the end of his hands and used it to wipe a few tears away from his face.

“Roger… you know it’s just testosterone don’t you.” John asked desperate, “it’s just testosterone I swear.”

“I know John. I know.” He put his arm around John’s shoulder and pulled him in close, holding him tightly.

“They’re going to kick me out. Freddie said. I don’t belong in this band.”

“Nonsense. You belong in this band. Freddies just a twat for saying that. He’s not going to kick you out. He won’t.” Roger sounded certain and perhaps even determined.

“I’m the least important member. I don’t sing. You know what they say…” He gave a weak chuckle, “’last one in, first one out.’ I don’t have a place here. This’ll be it.” John wrapped his arm around Roger’s waist and squeezed onto him – as if he could cling to Roger and make all of this unpleasantness go away.

“John please believe me – you’re equally as important as anyone else. I’ve never known anyone who can do what you can do lyrically and on the bass. Without you we wouldn’t have any hits to sing. Don’t fucking listen to fucking Freddie who doesn’t know what he’s fucking talking about. He’s a prick for saying what he did but he was only saying it because he’s worried about you. And if they kick you out they’ll have to find another drummer and falsetto.” His voice honest and plain, factual.

“Rog, you don’t have to do that. Don’t be silly, don’t throw your opportunity away because of me.” John felt his heart stop beating at Roger’s statement, how could he even contemplate doing something like that for him.

“I’m not really doing it for solidarity with you, Deaky. I, personally, couldn’t work and be around people who a) would do that to someone because they’re different and b) I couldn’t ever forgive them for hurting one of my best friends so badly. So yes I do have to do that.” John was blown away and had no idea what the correct response to that was so instead he chose to squeeze Roger tightly, which was responded. Roger held John for a while before he tapped his shoulder.

“Do you need to do your shot?” John nodded into his friend’s shoulder, feeling anxiety returning back into his chest at the shot again. But he was so exhausted from his panic before it wasn’t as bad as before. Roger, who had been holding John’s shot in a vice grip since Brian had handed it over him, passed John the shot, who moved back up onto the bed. He took a seat and looked at the syringe – just checking it over. The bag had stayed shut, so it was still sterile, and luckily – almost by a miracle – none of the testosterone had been pushed out of the needle.

He tried to pull the bag open but his hands were shaking too much to get a proper grip to do so. How the hell was he supposed to inject himself if he was like this? But once again his guardian angel descended and offered casually, as if wasn’t a big deal;

“If you’re shaking too much I don’t mind giving you the injection. You know dentist an’ all.” He said gesturing to himself with a slight smile. John nodded timidly;

“Yes please. Sorry. Normally I can I’m just a little shaky.” He was embarrassed, what must Roger be thinking of him. But he just waved him off.

“I get it. I would be shaky if I had gone through that as well.” He took the bag and quickly prepped the needle again – clearly working from some sort of muscle memory. “Ready?” He asked John as he sat on the bed next to him.

“Erm… you need to inject it into my bum.” He said, his cheeks tinging pink a little.

“Okay.” Roger’s voice was nonchalant, but he quickly noticed John’s embarrassment. “How about this?” He handed John the syringe, how looked at him confused as he started to pull off his pyjama bottoms, leaving him in his boxers. “So you’re not the only one in your underwear.” He shrugged and took back the needle – clearly not realising how meaningful this was to John. “Would it be best for you to lie on your belly?” Roger suggested and John nodded lying on his belly.

He reached behind him and pulled his boxers down a little before pointing to the area where he needed to be injected. He could feel the tenseness in his body and from the stiff way he was lying Roger could see it too. Roger placed his hand on the small of John’s back, on top of his shirt.

“Relax. I know what I’m doing and it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” John nodded and let out a breath. “Three, two, one.” He felt the needle push into his buttock he hissed slightly but soon it was done and Roger pulled the needle out. He reached into John’s first aid kit and put a plaster on it.

“All done.” Roger said and patted John’s back. John sat up before reaching to grab his own pyjama bottoms from yesterday off the floor and shimming them on – being careful not to brush the injection and he saw Roger doing the same.

“Shall we go have some ice cream – I bought some last time I went shopping.” John nodded and they moved into the living room after they had grabbed two small bowls. They sat on the same sofa, their sides touching.

“We’re all going to fight when they get back aren’t we?” John said knowingly – he was absolutely dreading it. Roger didn’t confirm or deny his statement but instead said;

“Are you going to tell them?” His voice didn’t give away his preference, it was just an honest to god question, putting another spoonful in his mouth.

“I have to.” He responded. “It’s only fair. They’ll be worried sick that I’m on heroine if I don’t.” Roger nodded.

“Well whatever you want to do I’m going to support you.”

“I know you will. Thank you.” Roger just nodded. John got up and on Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust record, and returned to his spot next to Roger. They both sung along with Roger singing normally and John singing along under his breath concerned about him being out of tune. They just discussed how clever David was with all his characters and lyrics and just as the last song started up they heard the front door open. John tensed up and Roger leant in and gave his cheek a quick kiss.

“You’re okay. You’re not alone.” He whispered before he leant back from John – but didn’t move away from him. 

Brian was the first one to appear in the doorway – the mediator as always.

“Hi.” He at least had the decency to sound slightly embarrassed, “are you ready to talk to us?” He spoke to John, looking past Roger who sat in between them. Roger turned his head to look at John who took a deep breath and nodded – knowing that he couldn’t put it off any longer.

Brian moved into the living room and sat on the other settee, Freddie walked in after, avoiding looking at either of them, but John felt Roger’s body go rigid. 

“When you’re ready, Deaky.” Brian said showing them his palms, as Freddie sat next to him. Roger reached over and patted John’s knee and it gave John the faintest amount of hope because Brian used his nickname.

“Okay…” he hesitated finding the right words. He didn’t want to mess this up. “I wasn’t lying when I said that it wasn’t drugs… well it obviously was drugs just not illegal ones…” And he was messing up. He was stuttering and slurring all over the place but Brian and Freddie were being patient with him. Brian was watching him carefully and nodding along, while Freddie was clearly having trouble making eye contact and was instead staring at a specific part of the carpet listening intently. “They’re prescribed. I’m not addicted to anything I promise.” He said earnestly, panic coming into his voice again. Roger reached over and took his hand and gave it a squeeze before letting go.

“It’s okay. We believe you.” Brian said, easing John’s panic a little, but it didn’t completely go away because he knew this next part was going to be even harder.

“Well… what the injection was… was testosterone. It’s a male hormone.” He saw Brian frown as he told him the truth and Freddie looked up in shock, his mouth slightly agape.

“Do you have a hormone deficiency?” Brian asked, sounded slightly worried, but John shook his head.

“No. I… I can’t produce testosterone naturally because… I was born as a… girl. I’m transgender.” He said, feeling his stomach roll as if he was about to be sick. This was the moment and he was met with silence. Brian was frowning, trying to compute what John had said and Freddie’s face had gone completely white, and apparently his complexion was mirroring Freddie’s because Roger lean into his side harder and asked;

“Are you okay? You look like you’re going to be sick.” He sounded concerned, John nodded, he was okay, but he could feel his heart beating frantically. The silence continued for another beat and Joh broke;

“Please say something.” He said desperately, looking at Brian and Freddie.

“Errr..” Brian stuttered out, “Sorry, I don’t quite understand what you’re telling me. You’re not a guy?” His voice wasn’t malicious or cruel he genuinely was confused… which was normal. John wasn’t offended or upset by the question – he had been expecting much worse, but he felt Roger tense and before he could stop him Roger snapped;

“He’s a fucking guy, Brian.” Roger gestured at him angrily and he was sure that Roger would have continued defending him but John reached over and put his hand on Roger’s knee.

“It’s alright, Rog. He’s allowed to ask questions.” Roger nodded and John continued answering Brian, “I am a guy but I’m not biologically a man… when I was born…” He paused thinking how best to phrase it, “…on my birth certificate I have a girl’s name and my sex is written down as female… but as I got older I didn’t feel right being a girl… so I went to the doctors and I was told I was transgender. I started living as a man and so I look more masculine I have to inject the hormones.” He explained his voice wavering with stress and worry.

“I’m so fucking sorry, darling. Fuck.” Freddie whispered, “If I had know I never would have blown up like that.” John nodded in understanding – he knew that Freddie was only worried about him when he had seen him with the drugs but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t terrifying. 

“I know.” John said, shifting his eyes from Brian to Freddie, who had started crying quietly. John felt a pang in his chest as he watched his friend cry. “Don’t cry, Fred, it’s alright.” He wanted to get up and give him a hug but he was still too shaky.

“It’s not alright, Deaky, he made you have a panic attack.” Roger snapped, pointing at Freddie – he was famously hard to forgive when one of his friends was upset, Freddie gave a sniff and nodded.

“He’s right, dear, and I’m sorry.” Freddie sounded absolutely crushed, breaking John’s heart.

“I accept your apology.” He said cordially, if not a little awkwardly, “please don’t be upset.” Freddie just nodded and wiped his tears away that were replaced by new ones. There was a pause and Brian half raised his hand before he started speaking.

“Have you had your shot now, mate?” His voice worried and clearly upset but trying to hide it. John just nodded, his anxiety easing but he knew he had to ask the next question for his own sanity.

“Are you two…” he waited for a moment, “still okay with me being in the band?” Roger sat up straighter. 

“Yes, of course.” 

“One hundred per cent.” Freddie and Brian spoke at the same time, with Freddie’s voice sounding confused and Brian’s completely determined and unwavering.

“John, darling, we would never kick you out of the band because of your gender.” Freddie said, sounding sad. “Why would you think that?” He sounded absolutely baffled and hurt.

“Oh, I don’t know.” John responded flippantly and he quickly glanced at Roger when he heard him take an angry breath in.

“Maybe he thought he wasn’t welcome in the band because, oh I don’t know,” his voice was laced with venomous sarcasm, “someone in this room told him that ‘addicts have no place in Queen’!” He was bordering on shouting, “he already didn’t feel as if his place in the band was safe, he didn’t feel one of us and then you go and tell him something like that? As if he’s replaceable?” Roger snapped.

“He didn’t know that’s how I felt, Rog.” John jumped in to defend Freddie from Roger’s wrath as he started to melt under Roger’s murderous glare and frightening tone.

“Doesn’t matter. It’s a shitty thing to say to your friend.”

“You didn’t feel like you were welcome in the band?” Brian frowned, his distress growing. John shook his head quietly.

“I know it’s silly but… you know I came in a year later and I didn’t live with you until recently… and I’m much quieter than all of you and I don’t sing. I just… play bass.” He listed all the things he had been worrying about for ages. Brian shook his head his mouth slightly agape.

“That’s not true at all, Deaks. We loved you the minute we met you and the week after you joined we were all certain that you were the only person who would fit with us. And you don’t just play bass you write some of our best songs! And whenever there’s a disagreement you’re the deciding vote that’s so important! You know all the technical side and we wouldn’t have come up with loads of interesting things that make Queen different if it wasn’t for you.” John was honestly shocked at how shocked Brian was and the list he was able to reel off on the spot – completely countering all of his points, making him feel stupid for ever thinking what he did. “You should have said something sooner. You can talk to us, John. We’re friends.” Brian’s voice was warm and comforting.

“I know… it was stupid.” He shrugged.

“No, darling, it wasn’t you being stupid. It was us being stupid for not showing you how much we appreciate you.” Freddie said just as he stood up and walked over to the other couch and knelt in front of John – taking his hand. “John, please don’t leave the band. I’m sorry for my outrageous conduct and I’ll do anything to make it up to you. Please forgive me.” He reached up with his free hand and wiped some tears off his cheeks. John felt himself smile at Freddie’s apology and he gave Freddie’s hand a hard squeeze.

“This band is the best thing that has ever happened to me, of course I don’t want to leave. And I forgive you, Fred. One hundred and ten percent, please don’t worry about it.” Freddie nodded and squeezed John’s hand back. Brian stood up and gestured from John to do the same. When they were both standing Brian opened his arms indicating for a hug which John accepted happily.

“Unconditionally.” Brian said into his hair, “that’s how much we love you. Unconditionally. No matter what.” He gave the top of his head a kiss. John smiled into his chest before moving to Brian’s side and putting his arm around Brian’s waist and Brian put his arm around his shoulders. He looked at Freddie who had started to stand up and Roger who was looking at him.

“Now, you two need to kiss and makeup.” He said gesturing between Roger and Freddie. Freddie, who had lost his usual camp, stood quietly sombre, knowing that he wasn’t in Roger’s good book at the moment. Roger looked from John to Freddie, who completely radiated sorrow and sadness, and back to John. “It’s really okay, Rog, I’m not upset.” 

And finally Roger really relaxed. His muscles loosened, he unclenched his jaw and his worry lines on his forehead disappeared. He stood up and turned towards Freddie before opening his arms.

“Come on you, come here.” He gestured to himself and Freddie took a step towards him and Roger pulled him into his arms, giving him a tight squeeze. “I’m sorry I said I would kick the shit out of you.” He said it and he meant it.

“I was acting like a prick you were completely within your rights to do so.”

“You were acting like a prick.” Roger laughed, the air loosening between them.

“It’s fine. I wasn’t scared anyway. I could take you any time.” His playful tone returned. Freddie was back.

“Pshh.” Roger scoffed as he pulled away, “as if.” That started the playful and usual bickering between the two, which Brian and John watched with gentle, if not tired, smiles on their faces – the usual shenanigans were back. Brian gave John’s shoulders a squeeze, getting his attention. John looked up to him.

“Are you alright?” He asked, completely seriously, keeping his voice quiet as not to involve the others. John nodded.

“I am.” He meant it. Standing close to Brian, feeling warm, while watching Roger and Freddie bicker felt like everything had gone back to normal. But now normal was better than before because now he felt he belonged, that he had a place, in that normal.

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya! I hope you guys enjoyed the other boys finding out! I know a lot of you on the last one were asking to have Freddie and Brian find out so I hope this was what you wanted and that you enjoyed it!  
I love writing coming out stories like this, and with the Queen boys it's always fun to write their different reactions. I hope that you think they sound 'in character' because it's really important to me that they sound real and natural, so I hope I didn't fall down in that aspect!
> 
> Quick disclaimer, I don't know if testosterone injections were avaliable back then or if books would have even presented transgender people in a positive and unbiased way? But let's imagine that the world was a nicer place. Also I don't do testosterone injections myself, but I did do a little research before writing this. I hope that I got it mostly right but please don't be mad at me if I got a few things wrong! I really tried!
> 
> Would love to hear your response to this! It really does make a difference to leave a comment!  
Excited to hear from you guys!


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